Why do I even try?

True. I try like hell not to listen to him. He goes on bumping my head. But i remain focused. He bribes me with what i like. He threatens me to run away and never return. I try not to fall for his tactics. But finally i do. I pretend i will shoo him away, but that’s the whole problem. I pretend…

Just a scenario, perfectly captured by Dilbert:

Anyways this bloody culprit in Internet just doesn’t allow me to work my plans. I plan not to plan any plan, so that i don’t feel bad when this plan of not to plan goes helter-skelter, unplanned. Thanks a lot internet.

Let me explain a bit. I reach home with a plan to read my novel, just to find the internet ‘psst’ing at me. Calls me out to check my mails, read some scraps, check out some news on tech n all. And everyday i do fall for something or the other. I unknowingly, or that’s what i pretend, plug the cable on and surf through the net.

Actually i did well in between to overcome this weakness of mine. I never fell for anything of sorts. But again somehow he has caught another of my nerve. He actually works stepwise now. Makes me switch on the powerplug spike for charging my mobile. He knows i am pretending to be just charging the mobile and i will turn on the laptop next. And everytime he turns out to be right. I pretend to turn the laptop on just for a bit to work something out and shut it down. But he knows that is not going to happen. Once the laptop starts he reminds me of something i need to do on net. I again pretend not to be surfing the net but just using it for a moment. But in fact, thats what i turn out to be doing. Surfing the internet.

Sometimes i ask myself why do i even try. I know i am failing to boggle my mind away from this culprit. But somehow i think this is that cunning but wonderous buddy with whom you can neither subsist nor part. Yes, that’s what he is. Cunning, but wonderous.

Switching lives…

Yesterday i had quite a random dream. Random indeed it was. For the most part of it i was pretty happy about what i was experiencing. And suddenly i went blank. I would say the dream went blank. Making me befuddled. Completely perplexed. Full of queries, queries for myself to answer. But before i get into the dream itself, let me blabber my views on dreams in general.

Dreams are angels. Yes, they have the power to make you experience the bests and worsts of your life at the same time. Indeed we experience the dreams, not just see them. How else can you explain your turning, jumping, twisting, crawling, grawling in the sleep. We are experiencing the event, the dream. I myself have woken up thanking god for turning whatever i experienced into a dream. And then there are those times when i just put myself to sleep again, just to experience what remained incomplete, unexperienced.

Further, the dreams are mutable portkeys. I feel i change lives in dreams. Butterfly effect you can say. But there one can decide if he wants to change his life. Here i don’t. It all depends on my other self, the dreaming threaded me. If he wants me there, i go. Otherwise i just lay here, wake up and continue.

Details. Two threads, if dreaming together, show how the life each is experiencing. We exchange both the positives and negatives. Yes, if you notice, each dream comprises of both goods and bads. We experience some scenes of that life, both happened and yet to happen. Yucks and Wows. If both agree to switch, we switch.

Now you see this concept explains a lot of usualities. Take Deja Vu. Yes indeed it is that ‘yet-to-happen’ scene of the life. We experienced it in the dream before we made the shift. Those jerky wake ups. May be the other self just slapped me for spending such sucking life. Or may be i did it to him for his sucking life. Roaming with unknowns. Yes, you don’t afterall expect two me’s having the same set of friends. Those long nights can be the result of just a mismatch between timings of two threads. Same goes for the short nights.

I will stop. Remove your thinking caps and plunge into the dreamland with the view. You might find quite a few interesting answers.

Anyways back to my dream i dreamed yesterday. I dreamed i was a singer, i was singing well. (Ok, i never said the other me has to be “me”ish. He can indeed me quite contradictory to who i am right?) Audience were happy. I saw my struggle. I saw my first assignment. I was watching myself happy. I watched all the happy me’s. Nothing bad. No yucks. And suddenly it was blank. I don’t remember something like this happening earlier. The dreams changed. The places changed. I woke up suddenly. But it never happened that the dream turned blank, with me facing eternity full of whiteness.

Puzzled, I lay there, closed eyed and open minded, waiting for something to happen. But all in vain. Blank. Whiteness everywhere. Finally i woke up and tottered my way along … With mind full of questions. Unanswered question.

IPL should end …

Finally I planned to blog today. I had been dropping quite a few shitty n weird ideas over notepad’s bald head. But all thanks to my random weirdness, i flew far away from the thought lane and settled spending my complete time over choosing a blog template. Surprisingly, the decision to change the template was not a result of spontaneous wave of randomness. Rather it was with a thought that a simple and neat theme may load faster. (Not that i wanted not to loose the readers. What i wanted was not to make my readers loose there precious time pondering over what will load in.)

So all the ideas still remain spread over notepad. From the day IPL has started, i have found no time for ‘nothing’. And as i could never do nothing, i could find no time for anything but IPL. Hence i wish IPL ends soon so that i can get back to my state of nothingness in the evenings. Then i would have ample time for doing ‘nothing‘ so that i would be able to do many things.

I know this post is of no sense at all. Still it does bring in an interesting thought to ponder over:

No time for ‘nothing’ means no time for anything

Am still not dead…

Title sounds quite harsh, but i needed to be told that. Another day of incremental blunt looks at the same old view of my blog, and i thought am i “dead”. I, myself, am not sure why i didn’t post any posts in last few days and a month, but i really feel it has everything to do with my MTWThF-Office-Home routine. Each time i see the same old blog posts, i thought i need to motivate myself to start writing again. I tried everything. First thought of all the possible random, ’scribble’able points, came up with many and forgot about almost all of them, unpenned. I will note down the few still crawling in my volatile memory lane.

• My well thought “to-be bad” predictions of where world will stand after, say, 20 years (Hmmm motivation was a list of few predictions from biggies that went wrong. I think you need to predict harsh facts to be biggies. Doesn’t matter if they go wrong. That will further elevate my predictions and in turn my biggie status.)
• My untouched list of sources linkable to the Global Warming (This topic is on my hot list. My only concern is i lose atleast one bullet point from the list with each passing day. No surprises, as the global warming topic itself is warmed more than the warming earth. I fear the debatable issues have more threat of extinction than earth)
• My innovative ways to save our dear planet “earth” (Save as in save from so called Global Warming. Not save as in save from getting thrown out of solar system. Though i don’t want to post more of this, but few interesting questions did rise in my mind. If we threw Pluto out, where did the poor little chap go? Do the “Pluto” ions know that they are not the part of our solar system? Is our solar system their solar system or do they milk some other milky way? I guess i should stop here.)
• My view of our universe (“There was no big bang. There are no laws. There are no forces. There are no planets, no stars, no solar systems. There is no light. It’s just HIM. Unrevealing this summer” Are you still expecting something more? Dude.. thats all you get in a “Teaser”, you see )

All of the above, though being pretty random, just couldn’t motivate me. But as i was bluntly looking at my blog today, few striking facts about my previous post held my attention. First, my post was on Feb 14th, Mr.Valentine’s ’some’day. And topic was “Earn Security, but at a price… “. Though quite unintentional, but see what great sense it makes. Its this rosy day, that if you enjoy, you have to lose your liberty (control myself?? forget… ), equality (how dare one asks to be equal with the almighty partner), justice (when i know i have to agree that the person in front has to be right, whats the point asking for justice), freedom (what freedom can a criminal expect when he sentenced life imprisonment for himself). You do this and you sure will earn security, security for commitment. Just make sure you do burn your entirety.

I am breaking….

Truly i am. Work is really not effort-worth. I am unable to do the tasks worth effort. Those interest me are not around me. Mind seems to be blogged with unknown demons. Eyes occupied by elephantine tiredness. It seems each and every body part is trying to move in altogether different direction. Trying to tear me apart. Each help offered just seems helpless. I want to run away. I want to hide from every minutest thing. Wish i could do that so simply. Wish i could hide that simply…

Indian Kangaroos in Kangaroo Land!!!

” Beware Aussies of the Indian Leap. They do take that and when they do, your kangaroo’s are no match!!!”

Irfan Pathan and R P Singh in Perth

Source: Cricinfo

Blank….

Blank… Thats how i have been for almost a week now. Truly speaking work apart, life’s really following a pattern. ‘Pattern’ itself is trying to poke its head out of the blogged mind, but will somehow prevent it from doing so for a bit.

This post of mine is more of a “puch” to my blog. It has been throwing the same faces at me for more than a week now. It looked totally rusted, highly demanding a post. So thought lemme push down what i have been doing for a while. So the pattern goes something like this…

• Come to office : Is it really a step?? Though the efforts required does make it one.
• Check mails : Doesn’t matter even if i did it just before i left for office. Thats how work dawns at me
• Remain updated with my social contacts : Name sounds big. In simple words, i look at my un-updated profile again searching for new updates. Even a look at lame updates from friends would do
• Get coffee : Dude, it draws one fresh. Makes me totally ready for work
• Start Working and keep working : Works always there boss. But all work can make one a turtle head in an office. So simultaneous tasks include keeping an eye on notifications from Outlook, Gtalk, feed readers, communicator, fellow workers and “hope they were my fellow workers” types. By the way, a basic click continues. Check mails and social networks!!!
• Lunch : Have to take it boss. Can’t jump over it. I can give my 100% only when my tummy stays 100%.
• Scribble about everything : “Why just aloo/paneer?” “Need a small nap yaar!!” “Boss i shouldn’t have filled my tummy 100%. It really makes work difficult!!! [paradox???]” “Oh wow.. Man I never get a chance to praise beauty. Is it me who choices the wrong places to fall in or its just my luck that throws me in??? [Men will be men ]” And when i do think this is getting too out of work context, only the scribble context change “Tomcat sucks big time man!!!” “Eclipse slows like damn dude” “Uhhh my system needs a dose buddy!!” And as this continues …
• Get Coffee : One has to get fed up. Nothing works in noon. Coffee has to make me fresh
• Start Working and keep working : Work again. And stays the simultaneous threads. Just that an another thread with look at the clock gets added. And as EOD arrives…
• Check mails and Social Networks : I do it only twice. Once in the morning and again in the evening. Anyways no one mails. So why waste time checking mails. (An inner thought cries “Uhh still no mails.. no scraps”)
• Leave Office: I have a common statement to end my day daily “Today’s was the worst day mate. Nothing worked yaar!!!” Scribbling continues….

And as i end this post, an instant thought strikes. Does any software engineer spends a routine even an inch different than this one? Out comes the answer, obviously yes. Afterall every software engineer has new scribbles to scribble and new notification to look at. Also not everyone drinks coffee ….

[PS: Though the above mentioned steps seem bulky, but they hardly take 5 % of my working time. Reasons are simple. I hardly get any checkable mails or replyable scraps or readable feeds. Moreover work does succeed to pull me in]

By the way, follows a nice video on juggling. It does provide another work synchronized thread, a look at “Buffering …”